Never Forget

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Ten Years Ago I was in my Sophomore Year at Weber State.  Still Living with my parents.  I was just waking up news was on like it was every morning just expecting to get the news of weather and traffic. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day my brother says hey Jenn come look at this.  I came out and they had the first plane had hit the tower at that time everyone was just thinking a horrible accident had happened.  Then watched as the second plane hit the second tower and my heart sunk.  What was going on this is no accident.  Wow serious. I left for my classes with the radio on the news station the whole way.  Not that it needed to be because the news was on every station.  The talk about class was all in disbelief.  No one wanted to believe there was such evil out there.  Everyone crying together as we heard of the pentagon and of the plan in Pennsylvania.  All flight grounded any plane in the air would be considered a threat.  There are not many times that we as America have had direct threats against us.  Times the entire Nation is brought together.  Yes there have been small acts of terror. Bombing of building shootings in public areas.  But nothing with such great affect as that of 9/11.  Before that the biggest attack was on Pearl Harbor.  I was not alive for that but those who where tell me it was comparable. Sunday December 7, 1941 that was a dark day in our history as well that also brought us into a war, WWII so a span of 60 years.  I hope we never have to experience another attack bringing us into war like that again even 60 years would be to soon.

Satan Through my eyes

We are suppose to live life where when others look at us they can see Christ through our eyes.  Lately all I think people are seeing is through my eyes is Satan.  My very own beloved can barely stand the sight of me, my kids want dad all the time hardly ever mom.  Going to church is painful and I feel so inadiquite there.   What have I done you may ask?  What kind of live do you lead?  I lead a fairly good life. I try my best I just have my moments I go to far and let things get the best of me. 

We had a pretty good day on Monday. It was nice we got to go and visit my brother and his wife.  We had a picnic and the kids played at the park. We did some driving around was having just a nice day.  Well that all ended when I took offence to something my husband did something minor and from there all HELL broke loose. 

I have thus been meet with 3 days of minimal talking and not one ounce of affection put my way. Richard told me that he thinks I will lash out at the kids and harm them. BAM cut to the core. He says he has no trust in me and does not know when he will ever forgive me for what happened on Monday. 

This is where  I then have to take things I have learned in therapy to deal with my depression that comes from all this perceived rejection. I have to look inward and change what I can.  I can not change any ones perspective of who I am.  All I can do is work on getting Christ to be seen more through my eyes and not Satan.

I am not looking for sympathy or even any comments from the small few who may read this blog.  All I want is a place to express my feelings.  Thanks.

Where did I come from

Lately I have been thinking a lot about family history.  Where did I come from?  Who am I? Who are my ancestors?  I have been told that I have great ancestors. I just wish I knew more about them. I know that I am the oldest of 6 kids. Myself and one sister and one brother are married.  I have 2 wonderful kids.  I was blessed to know all 4 of my grandparents, now only one is alive, and one set of my great grandparents.  On my dad's side I have one Aunt married to my Uncle and 3 cousins, one who has passed on and 2 living lives married or single or married or not. Neither or them have I seen since 2001.  On my moms side I have Aunt married to and Uncle with 3 kids, 2 of which are married. An Uncle married to my Aunt with 2 kids and I do not know how many foster children they have had.  And I have one more Uncle divorced and as loving as ever has cared for children but none to call his own.  So alive that I know about is my grandma, my parents, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, a sister in law and a brother in law, my Husband and 2 kids, 3 Aunts, 4 Uncles, 8 cousins, 3 cousins in law and one second cousin. That is 30 people that I know are related to me in someway.  I guess I should add to that. I have a mother in law, Father in law, a sister in law 2 nephews and one niece and one stepson. So that brings my total to 37 known relatives.

I know i have meet my parents cousins, aunts and uncles.  I do not know how many are alive and do not know to much about many of them at all.  I know very little about my great grandparents. One side, the Moomaw side goes back far. The Tracy side might have some done yet I don't know.  The Bagwell side goes back a bit but not to far. The Woods hit a dead end only 2 generations back.  I wish I could find out more.  I wish I had stories of my family. Who am I?  What nationality do I have.  Somethings I have been told change each time I ask?  So of the 37 people I have contact with on a somewhat basis there are billions more I know nothing about.  Some know even less some a whole lot more.  I hope you are lucky to know more and know where you come from.

Daisy

My favorite flower is a daisy. I think they are so pretty. I love how simple yet elegant they are. And this is was a daisy symbolizes; The flower symbolism associated with the daisy is purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity.  Is that not just awesome. I love the definition there. I would like to think and hope that I am described with some of those qualities.  Daises make me happy.

Unjust Punishment for the Just

Maybe I am the only one who ever feels this way, but sometime I feel like no matter how hard I try I am being punished for something.  I know that that is not the way that life works.  I know we all have our trial.  I know that my trails will never compare to those of Christ or Job or any other great prophet or leader in this world.  I also know that I will only be given what I can handle and would never be able to endure all that any other one individual has to endure.  That however, does not stop me from questioning from time to time why I have to go through any particular trail.

I guess in hind sight every trial I have had has been for my benefit and been there to help me learn and grow in life.  Sometimes I just want to whine and cry, which I know does no good, that life is no fair.  Sometimes the trails we have are brought on by our own disobedience to the laws of God.  From those we learn where we have gone wrong and how we need to change.  Even though it is not pleasant it is something I can understand the need for. 

What is hard to understand is when you are doing all that you know to be right and there is some hardship placed in front of you that now needs to be overcome. I can see why some may think this is not fair and unjust.  It is hard to remember why we have trial.  And that every trial we do have is to mold and guide us into the type of person that God would have us be. 

Yes I may have my days that I complain. I will have my days I will cry and resist.  But in the end, hopefully I will be one of the proud and chosen children of god, standing by his side hearing the words..."Well done my kind and faithful servant.  Well done my beloved child.  Welcome home."

Is That All

There are some phrases that are innocent enough but really get under my skin.  On of those is when someone says "Is that all your going to do?".  To me it seems to be demeaning to what I am doing.  I start to think what is it not good enough for you?  Or Do you not know how much time and effort goes into this activity?  I am a mom my duties are many so when I say I am doing laundry today or cleaning the kids room or going grocery shopping today don't say is that all you are doing to me unless you want a death stare.  Unless I am sick than no its not ALL I am doing.  Lets see a list.  I have kids to wake up, feed, clean up after, dress, potty train, entertain, get to take a nap, teach, read to, and discipline.  That in and of its self is a lot.  And unless you have been there you can not know how demanding it is to be a mom.  Lets then add everything else to do in the week.  We have 2 bathrooms to clean, Master bedroom, kids room both organized and cleaned weekly, Dishes to do, vacuuming to be done.  Laundry when needed which is washing drying, folding and putting away.  Now lets add an outside job to the list.  I have duties I have for work. Things that need to be done for work hours taken out of my day that take away from everything else. Then lets add in any spiritual needs to be done. Personal study time, Family study time... this list can go on as well for there is always stuff to do.  So no when I say I am doing one thing that is not ALL I am going to do.  Yes I do have my lazy days. I don't know who does not, but even then when I say I am going to relax don't say "Is that all". Instead try saying "Sounds good" or just nothing at all.

The Peacegiver

I just finished reading a book called The Peacegiver by James L Ferrell.  I loved this book.  There are a couple of passages I found really insightful and want to share that with you all. 


First Section is about Jesus Christ's Atonement and our ability to forgive others.  In the book there is a grandfather talking to his grandson so many of the quotes are as the two talk.


"You have learned since you were young that the atonement was for the sinner,...and that certainly is true, but it is only half of the story, the second half is not nearly so well understood....The atonement is as much for the benefit of the sinned against-the victim of sin-as for the sinner....One of the effects of sin is to invite those who have been sinned against...to become sinful themselves, and that the atonement provides the escape from such provocation to sin."   The grandson was mad at his wife he thought he was justified in being mad at her for she had been harsh and cruel towards him and he felt justified in trying to get others to be mad at her along with him.  To often in my life I do the same.  It continues late in the book to say, "The Lord, by taking on the sins of our own upon his head, extends us the same mercy. 'Upon me let this iniquity be,' he pleads. 'Let me deal with it if there is any dealing to be done.  But you my dear son or dear daughter, let it go. Let me take it, as I already have done. Forgive.'... My son, when the Savior comes to you with the sins of others upon him, he offers you a view of others that only he knows. He begs you to see as he sees--ad One who knows every pain, insecurity, aspiration, and infirmity because he has taken them upon himself. He will show you others as he sees and loves them, and he will help you to see and love them that way as well, for he begs you not merely to ungird your sword but to ungird your heart.  If you do, the miracle of his atonement will flow freely,..."


This make me feel so at awe.  I knew the atonement was for us all but had not thought of it that way.


The next section covers the story of Jonah and him not wanting to teach the people of Nineveh.  And then him being compelled to teach them and save them from destruction. However he still thought they were to wicked and not worthy of redemption the lord asks him "should I  not spare Nineveh?"  We never find out what Jonah answers.  But I know there have been times in my life I have thought someone was to far gone to repent and no longer worthy of Christ's atonement so I believe the Lord would ask me "I have saved you are you saying I should not also save them?"  Thus if we answer No then we are not worthy of being saved either because we to have sinned against god. God can look upon sin with no degree of allowance. But in able to answer yes we need a change of heart  to accept that even those we find the most unworthy of mercy  from God can still obtain it.


"The understanding is available merely from pondering the Savior's atonement, for no amount of mistreatment and suffering was able to take away his love of the One who was without sin. By contrast, we who still struggle with sinfulness, struggle as well to cover our sins. And one way we do this, the Savior thought , is by finding sinfulness in others. The beams in out eyes get us looking for the motes in others. Our own failure to love another causes us to see the other as being unworthy of love. So  we end up sitting beneath our own canopies of sticks irritated, angry, hurt, blaming our lack of love on the Ninevites we are failing to love. The Savior, by contrast, with no sins of his own to clutch, cover and excuse, remained free to see all of mankind each of us...in our sinfulness and in the pain we caused him mercifully and gratefully."


Sometimes it is our own unwillingness to love others and understand love halts us in forgiving ourselves and others. But if we become like the innocence of small children in their pure love we will find how we can love more purely. "Your children answer Yes to the Lords question....They grant mercy....The secret of their love in not their naivete the fact that the are, as you said, mere innocents but rather their innocence from sin. Innocent as the are from sinfulness toward you there are no sin they need to cover and excuse, and therefor no sins of your can keep them from loving you. The question for you is what sins towards others keep you from loving them? How are you demanding justice and therefore denying mercy? In what ways are you sitting belligerently under the sticks of your own grudges? How are yo the author of your own despair? If you allow yourself to discover answers to those questions, you, with your children will answer 'Yes' to the Lord's question..."


The third pare of the book deals in realization. Realization that we must change ourselves and in changing ourselves then and only then will be be able to see others the way God and Jesus see them.  "Remember the problem of sin is only partially that we engage in sinful acts. The far deeper problem is that by choosing to  engage in sinful acts, our hearts become sinful. And when the do, Satan gains power over us to lead us captive at his will, to lead us into deeper and darker resentment, bitterness, anger, and sin. We become unclean, impure,corrupted unable to abide the presence of God, in whose presence only clean and pure can dwell. And we end up losing the very thing that is essential if ever we are to be cleansed and find out way back to him: the desire and ability to choose to follow the Lord. Our Hands are filthy from sinful acts, to be sure,...But our greater problem is that our hearts have become unclean as wall....Unless someone can overcome for us the captivity of out hearts and make us free from our bondage to sin we will be damned forever." It goes on that this is what the Savior has done for us with his atonement.


Just the thought that one so perfect took upon him all the pains and anguish of the world. And the devil laughed at him because he held the entire earth in his chains. But Weeps and gnashes bitterly having had those chains broken by the savior.  But the devil rejoices each time we choose not to repent or remain in sin.  To quote the book again its says " It is what latter-day prophets have referred to and indescribable anguish when Christ had to  meet and overcome all the horrors that Satan could inflict. And he suffers all this- And never for get this- For Us....It is ok even wise, to be afraid. You should fear sin with all your soul, for it is the freedom of your soul that is at stake. To those who fear as the ought...the prophets declare 'Be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be lead wasy by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects, and be led away captive by him.'  Arm yourself through prayer...You are vulnerable. We all are. Let your desires for the Lord be your shield."


I think if we can each remember and come to understand the atonement in its fulness we will beable to undertand and be free.  And the freedom from sin will allow us to be at peace.