Better Healthier Me

So I am on a journey to a better healthier me. I will tell you now this posting is going to upset some people but it is what I have to do.  I have been watching NBC reality tv hit Biggest Loser.  All prior 11 seasons are on Netflix and we have streaming from netflix so I have been watching them.  My favorite thing is the trainer tips. There is one where Bob (one of the trainers) says that in order to be successful at loosing weight you need a support system if you find in in family, friends, or online you need a support system.  I took that and started a support group I call Weight a Minute. That has been good for me to have a place I can put my goal and my concerns and others can as well. 

Now here is the point of writing this down. Every single season they stress the importance of finding out the why.  Why are you over weight.  Yes you ate the food and did not exercise but why what is the underline reason.  There have been many reasons on the show some its just culture others had prior addictions they overcame and this just filled the void but for many it is some kind of depression to fill a void of love and acceptance.

I sat contemplating this for a while what has gotten me to this point.  Why am I over weight. I was a skinny child until about middle school.  Then I was over weight by 15-20 lbs until collage and gained the freshman 20 then I went on a LDS mission to Japan for 18 months in 2002-2003 I lost weight there came back fit and healthy.  About 4 months home and weight started coming back on. Got married had kids now sitting at 230 lbs that will increase to 240 during the week before my period when I am retaining water.  So why.  Why is it at times away from life and focused and happy I am fit and healthy.  Yet in life I am overweight depressed and unhappy. 

I did it. I ate the food. I did not exercise.  I let others actions have an effect on me.  This is how I remember it. Truth will be in there some of it my mind has melded into my own truth but her it is. My dad has not been able to keep a job for what ever reason for very long. My parents fought a lot because of this.  My mom went to school and got her degree in nursing and has been the main income in the home.  There were fights daily between my parents. Mostly about finances. We were not very set monatarly. That did not bug me so much but I did see how my dad treated my mom.  He was mean.  He will tell you he was not but he was he had a temper and he had to be in control.  If he did not know where I was and what I was doing I was in touble.  I would try to please him I have always been a pleaser but to both of my parents I was never good enough. They may tell you different and say they love me no matter what.  That may even be true but that is not what I felt.  I wanted to play softball. I even made the team. But I was not supproted in this. I also am smart but I felt always compared to my younger sister. I got so often well your sister is clean your sister is smart your sister is active. Now its your sister is thin your sister is healthy your sister is so beautiful.  I was never good enough. But I was good at eating I was good at sleeping I was good at being by myself.

That is what it has boiled down to. I just do not feel I am accepted and loved for being me.  Even now I am married I get a constant why are you not more like this or more like that.  Why do you put up with this or put up with that.  I can only be told so much how bad I suck how lazy I am how pushovery I am. I don't even messure up to the thought of my husbands ideal woman.  If I did than there would be no need for his addictions.  Funny thing is I see it as I am not thin enough I am not pretty enough I am not clean enough I am not active enough There is a lot I am not enough of and my addiction to food and eating has made it that way.  I am trying to find something that will love me for being me. Nothing more. No expectations of someone different, good or bad.  Just me. Just Jennifer.  I need to stop trying to fit eveyone elses ideals or what I think thier ideals are and just stick to mine.  Make me happy.  Reach my goal face my demons and say this is MY time.  This is me if you don't like it deal with it.  I am only as good as I make myself.