He Loves me. He Loves me not

Lately I have been having a very hard time.  There is so much going on and so much I just wish I could tell someone.  I have no one.  I mean I have the Lord but really am very much alone in my life and in my thoughts.  My marriage is going through a rough patch and I am trying to make that all right. As well as I am being tested for Cancer.  Wow seriously the stess is so high.  I have cried so much this month and I feel I have all but brought it on myself. 

Instead of trusting in the Lord and leaning not unto my own understanding I have been doing just the opposite and have been playing the He Loves me He loves me not game.  Good things happen and I think the Lord loves me and when bad things do I think He loves me not. 

I have so many question and so many answers that need answers not just logical i can wrap my head around it but the whole i feel it deep with in me answers

Good Ol' Times

Here are things I remember from my childhood.  Chucky Cheese was called Showbiz Pizza with the a love your pizza bear band that played while you ate.  Our cartoons contained 'The Defender of the Universe', 'The Princess of Power', The Original Thundercats, Smurfs, Carebares, Little Ponies, and Transformers.  The game system we had was Atari, and Computers were only one kind had a green screen and no Internet.  We still had a lot of time outside.  I really played sports.  I may not have been good at them but I really played them. If I had a report to write I had to go to a library and look it up.  I had to know the Dewey decimal system in order to find what I wanted after I looked for it after I found it in the Card Catalog.  If I wanted to talk to my friend on the phone I had to make sure the phone line was clear or find a pay phone. If I wanted to meet and get to know new people I had to actually talk to them in person.  I may have been shy but I feel I got good chances at social interaction.  When we did get the Internet it was dial up.  That means you either got a second phone line because it needed to be hooked up or anytime someone picked up the phone in the home your Internet connection was lost.  Cable was no more than maybe 30 channels and yes we thought that was a lot.  We did have VCR but in order to record a show there was more steps to make sure the tape was blank and t.v was set to right channel no one could change the channel if something was recording.  Some may say I had it rough.  My kids may even read this and think wow you lived in stone ages.  Probably same thing I thought with my parents stories of what the had or did not have. I do see good in technology today it brings us so many chances for learning quicker and interacting with people we may never have had chance to.  But it also allows us to grow more distant and hide more from society.  Shows on TV today are so disrespectful and full of filth. Even remakes of good decent shows are more violent, sexy, and rude.  I know these may just be my thoughts on an ever changing world but there it is. I do wish we could turn back time on some thing but keep the good that has come from others.

Never Forget

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Ten Years Ago I was in my Sophomore Year at Weber State.  Still Living with my parents.  I was just waking up news was on like it was every morning just expecting to get the news of weather and traffic. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day my brother says hey Jenn come look at this.  I came out and they had the first plane had hit the tower at that time everyone was just thinking a horrible accident had happened.  Then watched as the second plane hit the second tower and my heart sunk.  What was going on this is no accident.  Wow serious. I left for my classes with the radio on the news station the whole way.  Not that it needed to be because the news was on every station.  The talk about class was all in disbelief.  No one wanted to believe there was such evil out there.  Everyone crying together as we heard of the pentagon and of the plan in Pennsylvania.  All flight grounded any plane in the air would be considered a threat.  There are not many times that we as America have had direct threats against us.  Times the entire Nation is brought together.  Yes there have been small acts of terror. Bombing of building shootings in public areas.  But nothing with such great affect as that of 9/11.  Before that the biggest attack was on Pearl Harbor.  I was not alive for that but those who where tell me it was comparable. Sunday December 7, 1941 that was a dark day in our history as well that also brought us into a war, WWII so a span of 60 years.  I hope we never have to experience another attack bringing us into war like that again even 60 years would be to soon.

Satan Through my eyes

We are suppose to live life where when others look at us they can see Christ through our eyes.  Lately all I think people are seeing is through my eyes is Satan.  My very own beloved can barely stand the sight of me, my kids want dad all the time hardly ever mom.  Going to church is painful and I feel so inadiquite there.   What have I done you may ask?  What kind of live do you lead?  I lead a fairly good life. I try my best I just have my moments I go to far and let things get the best of me. 

We had a pretty good day on Monday. It was nice we got to go and visit my brother and his wife.  We had a picnic and the kids played at the park. We did some driving around was having just a nice day.  Well that all ended when I took offence to something my husband did something minor and from there all HELL broke loose. 

I have thus been meet with 3 days of minimal talking and not one ounce of affection put my way. Richard told me that he thinks I will lash out at the kids and harm them. BAM cut to the core. He says he has no trust in me and does not know when he will ever forgive me for what happened on Monday. 

This is where  I then have to take things I have learned in therapy to deal with my depression that comes from all this perceived rejection. I have to look inward and change what I can.  I can not change any ones perspective of who I am.  All I can do is work on getting Christ to be seen more through my eyes and not Satan.

I am not looking for sympathy or even any comments from the small few who may read this blog.  All I want is a place to express my feelings.  Thanks.