Lots of Joy

Christmas 2011

So here we are a week before Christmas and I go in for my consultation after surgery.  I got great news.  I do not have cancer the mass removed was a fibroadanoma. We also found out that I am pregnant.  Yes we have #3 on the way. The funny thing is we just got rid of many baby supplies and all my maternity clothes.  That is ok though because we will be moving the place will be smaller so we will not have room for a full sized crib.  

We decided to tell everyone on Christmas there was a few we told earlier but mostly we told everyone at the same time.  They all seemed excited especially my brother and his wife.  They are expecting their first in April.  My sister and her husband are also expecting they are expecting their first as well just a day after us. It is exciting all three married women pregnant.  

The rest of our Christmas was great also we all got great gifts and the kids love their toys.  Jorja goes no where without her new Dora doll and Josh loves his Legos.  Christmas was Great.

Better Healthier Me

So I am on a journey to a better healthier me. I will tell you now this posting is going to upset some people but it is what I have to do.  I have been watching NBC reality tv hit Biggest Loser.  All prior 11 seasons are on Netflix and we have streaming from netflix so I have been watching them.  My favorite thing is the trainer tips. There is one where Bob (one of the trainers) says that in order to be successful at loosing weight you need a support system if you find in in family, friends, or online you need a support system.  I took that and started a support group I call Weight a Minute. That has been good for me to have a place I can put my goal and my concerns and others can as well. 

Now here is the point of writing this down. Every single season they stress the importance of finding out the why.  Why are you over weight.  Yes you ate the food and did not exercise but why what is the underline reason.  There have been many reasons on the show some its just culture others had prior addictions they overcame and this just filled the void but for many it is some kind of depression to fill a void of love and acceptance.

I sat contemplating this for a while what has gotten me to this point.  Why am I over weight. I was a skinny child until about middle school.  Then I was over weight by 15-20 lbs until collage and gained the freshman 20 then I went on a LDS mission to Japan for 18 months in 2002-2003 I lost weight there came back fit and healthy.  About 4 months home and weight started coming back on. Got married had kids now sitting at 230 lbs that will increase to 240 during the week before my period when I am retaining water.  So why.  Why is it at times away from life and focused and happy I am fit and healthy.  Yet in life I am overweight depressed and unhappy. 

I did it. I ate the food. I did not exercise.  I let others actions have an effect on me.  This is how I remember it. Truth will be in there some of it my mind has melded into my own truth but her it is. My dad has not been able to keep a job for what ever reason for very long. My parents fought a lot because of this.  My mom went to school and got her degree in nursing and has been the main income in the home.  There were fights daily between my parents. Mostly about finances. We were not very set monatarly. That did not bug me so much but I did see how my dad treated my mom.  He was mean.  He will tell you he was not but he was he had a temper and he had to be in control.  If he did not know where I was and what I was doing I was in touble.  I would try to please him I have always been a pleaser but to both of my parents I was never good enough. They may tell you different and say they love me no matter what.  That may even be true but that is not what I felt.  I wanted to play softball. I even made the team. But I was not supproted in this. I also am smart but I felt always compared to my younger sister. I got so often well your sister is clean your sister is smart your sister is active. Now its your sister is thin your sister is healthy your sister is so beautiful.  I was never good enough. But I was good at eating I was good at sleeping I was good at being by myself.

That is what it has boiled down to. I just do not feel I am accepted and loved for being me.  Even now I am married I get a constant why are you not more like this or more like that.  Why do you put up with this or put up with that.  I can only be told so much how bad I suck how lazy I am how pushovery I am. I don't even messure up to the thought of my husbands ideal woman.  If I did than there would be no need for his addictions.  Funny thing is I see it as I am not thin enough I am not pretty enough I am not clean enough I am not active enough There is a lot I am not enough of and my addiction to food and eating has made it that way.  I am trying to find something that will love me for being me. Nothing more. No expectations of someone different, good or bad.  Just me. Just Jennifer.  I need to stop trying to fit eveyone elses ideals or what I think thier ideals are and just stick to mine.  Make me happy.  Reach my goal face my demons and say this is MY time.  This is me if you don't like it deal with it.  I am only as good as I make myself.

my apologies

I am sorry it really does sound like I am depressed and probably I am.  But telling me I need help or I should be on medication is not positive for me.  I am figuring a lot out.  I am aloud to do that.  I am aloud to be me.  If you do not want to follow my blog that is fine.  This is for me.  This is my therapy.  So don't feel bad for me.  Think whatever you want to but I am writing my feelings.  I have to put things out there exactly as I feel in the moment in order to deal with the moment.  That is the type of person I am.  Hey if you want go ahead use my blog to complain also.  Comment tell me what you are feeling I wont judge.  That is what I think the problem is with many people is we feel we can not just express our feeling or we censor our thoughts.  If we are not happy we are not normal I am sorry if I sound so depressed.  I do have my down moments and I need to express them to get myself up. I hope any who read this understand that

Always Someone Better

Yeah Yeah Yeah, everyone tells me  I am a good mom I am a good wife.  Well I do not believe it.   There is no way  I am a good mom and even less chance I am a good wife.  If anyone wants to step into my place go ahead I will not stop you.  I will step aside.  My kids are wonderful and deserve someone who will raise them right in the way of the Lord with proper love and kindness.  They need someone who will discipline with a consistent way instead of someone so inconsistent.  I love my kids but it has been said that sometimes when you love something you need to know when it is best to step down and let them go. 

Then my poor husband he deserves to have someone who is healthy and strong.  Someone who is wiser and more mature.  He needs someone who can love him as much as he loves others.  He needs someone who will bring him up and build him to his potential not someone who will bring him down and just causes him to be angry all the time.

Not that I just want to be there for the good times but I am so tired of letting everyone down especially myself.  I disappoint myself the most and that is probably the problem I hide what I eat I do not face my problems but suppress them.  As much as I strive to be better and be stronger I keep finding myself her wondering why I can not seem to be better.  Why am I such a mess and constant failure.  Like I said you may think you are just depressed you are fine you kids can't have a better mom and your husband is lucky to have you. Well if I can not believe it than it mean nothing. Thanks for your confidence in me but I do not have it myself and I am tired of looking for it. 

He Loves me. He Loves me not

Lately I have been having a very hard time.  There is so much going on and so much I just wish I could tell someone.  I have no one.  I mean I have the Lord but really am very much alone in my life and in my thoughts.  My marriage is going through a rough patch and I am trying to make that all right. As well as I am being tested for Cancer.  Wow seriously the stess is so high.  I have cried so much this month and I feel I have all but brought it on myself. 

Instead of trusting in the Lord and leaning not unto my own understanding I have been doing just the opposite and have been playing the He Loves me He loves me not game.  Good things happen and I think the Lord loves me and when bad things do I think He loves me not. 

I have so many question and so many answers that need answers not just logical i can wrap my head around it but the whole i feel it deep with in me answers

Good Ol' Times

Here are things I remember from my childhood.  Chucky Cheese was called Showbiz Pizza with the a love your pizza bear band that played while you ate.  Our cartoons contained 'The Defender of the Universe', 'The Princess of Power', The Original Thundercats, Smurfs, Carebares, Little Ponies, and Transformers.  The game system we had was Atari, and Computers were only one kind had a green screen and no Internet.  We still had a lot of time outside.  I really played sports.  I may not have been good at them but I really played them. If I had a report to write I had to go to a library and look it up.  I had to know the Dewey decimal system in order to find what I wanted after I looked for it after I found it in the Card Catalog.  If I wanted to talk to my friend on the phone I had to make sure the phone line was clear or find a pay phone. If I wanted to meet and get to know new people I had to actually talk to them in person.  I may have been shy but I feel I got good chances at social interaction.  When we did get the Internet it was dial up.  That means you either got a second phone line because it needed to be hooked up or anytime someone picked up the phone in the home your Internet connection was lost.  Cable was no more than maybe 30 channels and yes we thought that was a lot.  We did have VCR but in order to record a show there was more steps to make sure the tape was blank and t.v was set to right channel no one could change the channel if something was recording.  Some may say I had it rough.  My kids may even read this and think wow you lived in stone ages.  Probably same thing I thought with my parents stories of what the had or did not have. I do see good in technology today it brings us so many chances for learning quicker and interacting with people we may never have had chance to.  But it also allows us to grow more distant and hide more from society.  Shows on TV today are so disrespectful and full of filth. Even remakes of good decent shows are more violent, sexy, and rude.  I know these may just be my thoughts on an ever changing world but there it is. I do wish we could turn back time on some thing but keep the good that has come from others.

Never Forget

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Ten Years Ago I was in my Sophomore Year at Weber State.  Still Living with my parents.  I was just waking up news was on like it was every morning just expecting to get the news of weather and traffic. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day my brother says hey Jenn come look at this.  I came out and they had the first plane had hit the tower at that time everyone was just thinking a horrible accident had happened.  Then watched as the second plane hit the second tower and my heart sunk.  What was going on this is no accident.  Wow serious. I left for my classes with the radio on the news station the whole way.  Not that it needed to be because the news was on every station.  The talk about class was all in disbelief.  No one wanted to believe there was such evil out there.  Everyone crying together as we heard of the pentagon and of the plan in Pennsylvania.  All flight grounded any plane in the air would be considered a threat.  There are not many times that we as America have had direct threats against us.  Times the entire Nation is brought together.  Yes there have been small acts of terror. Bombing of building shootings in public areas.  But nothing with such great affect as that of 9/11.  Before that the biggest attack was on Pearl Harbor.  I was not alive for that but those who where tell me it was comparable. Sunday December 7, 1941 that was a dark day in our history as well that also brought us into a war, WWII so a span of 60 years.  I hope we never have to experience another attack bringing us into war like that again even 60 years would be to soon.

Satan Through my eyes

We are suppose to live life where when others look at us they can see Christ through our eyes.  Lately all I think people are seeing is through my eyes is Satan.  My very own beloved can barely stand the sight of me, my kids want dad all the time hardly ever mom.  Going to church is painful and I feel so inadiquite there.   What have I done you may ask?  What kind of live do you lead?  I lead a fairly good life. I try my best I just have my moments I go to far and let things get the best of me. 

We had a pretty good day on Monday. It was nice we got to go and visit my brother and his wife.  We had a picnic and the kids played at the park. We did some driving around was having just a nice day.  Well that all ended when I took offence to something my husband did something minor and from there all HELL broke loose. 

I have thus been meet with 3 days of minimal talking and not one ounce of affection put my way. Richard told me that he thinks I will lash out at the kids and harm them. BAM cut to the core. He says he has no trust in me and does not know when he will ever forgive me for what happened on Monday. 

This is where  I then have to take things I have learned in therapy to deal with my depression that comes from all this perceived rejection. I have to look inward and change what I can.  I can not change any ones perspective of who I am.  All I can do is work on getting Christ to be seen more through my eyes and not Satan.

I am not looking for sympathy or even any comments from the small few who may read this blog.  All I want is a place to express my feelings.  Thanks.

Where did I come from

Lately I have been thinking a lot about family history.  Where did I come from?  Who am I? Who are my ancestors?  I have been told that I have great ancestors. I just wish I knew more about them. I know that I am the oldest of 6 kids. Myself and one sister and one brother are married.  I have 2 wonderful kids.  I was blessed to know all 4 of my grandparents, now only one is alive, and one set of my great grandparents.  On my dad's side I have one Aunt married to my Uncle and 3 cousins, one who has passed on and 2 living lives married or single or married or not. Neither or them have I seen since 2001.  On my moms side I have Aunt married to and Uncle with 3 kids, 2 of which are married. An Uncle married to my Aunt with 2 kids and I do not know how many foster children they have had.  And I have one more Uncle divorced and as loving as ever has cared for children but none to call his own.  So alive that I know about is my grandma, my parents, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, a sister in law and a brother in law, my Husband and 2 kids, 3 Aunts, 4 Uncles, 8 cousins, 3 cousins in law and one second cousin. That is 30 people that I know are related to me in someway.  I guess I should add to that. I have a mother in law, Father in law, a sister in law 2 nephews and one niece and one stepson. So that brings my total to 37 known relatives.

I know i have meet my parents cousins, aunts and uncles.  I do not know how many are alive and do not know to much about many of them at all.  I know very little about my great grandparents. One side, the Moomaw side goes back far. The Tracy side might have some done yet I don't know.  The Bagwell side goes back a bit but not to far. The Woods hit a dead end only 2 generations back.  I wish I could find out more.  I wish I had stories of my family. Who am I?  What nationality do I have.  Somethings I have been told change each time I ask?  So of the 37 people I have contact with on a somewhat basis there are billions more I know nothing about.  Some know even less some a whole lot more.  I hope you are lucky to know more and know where you come from.

Daisy

My favorite flower is a daisy. I think they are so pretty. I love how simple yet elegant they are. And this is was a daisy symbolizes; The flower symbolism associated with the daisy is purity, innocence, loyal love, beauty, patience and simplicity.  Is that not just awesome. I love the definition there. I would like to think and hope that I am described with some of those qualities.  Daises make me happy.

Unjust Punishment for the Just

Maybe I am the only one who ever feels this way, but sometime I feel like no matter how hard I try I am being punished for something.  I know that that is not the way that life works.  I know we all have our trial.  I know that my trails will never compare to those of Christ or Job or any other great prophet or leader in this world.  I also know that I will only be given what I can handle and would never be able to endure all that any other one individual has to endure.  That however, does not stop me from questioning from time to time why I have to go through any particular trail.

I guess in hind sight every trial I have had has been for my benefit and been there to help me learn and grow in life.  Sometimes I just want to whine and cry, which I know does no good, that life is no fair.  Sometimes the trails we have are brought on by our own disobedience to the laws of God.  From those we learn where we have gone wrong and how we need to change.  Even though it is not pleasant it is something I can understand the need for. 

What is hard to understand is when you are doing all that you know to be right and there is some hardship placed in front of you that now needs to be overcome. I can see why some may think this is not fair and unjust.  It is hard to remember why we have trial.  And that every trial we do have is to mold and guide us into the type of person that God would have us be. 

Yes I may have my days that I complain. I will have my days I will cry and resist.  But in the end, hopefully I will be one of the proud and chosen children of god, standing by his side hearing the words..."Well done my kind and faithful servant.  Well done my beloved child.  Welcome home."

Is That All

There are some phrases that are innocent enough but really get under my skin.  On of those is when someone says "Is that all your going to do?".  To me it seems to be demeaning to what I am doing.  I start to think what is it not good enough for you?  Or Do you not know how much time and effort goes into this activity?  I am a mom my duties are many so when I say I am doing laundry today or cleaning the kids room or going grocery shopping today don't say is that all you are doing to me unless you want a death stare.  Unless I am sick than no its not ALL I am doing.  Lets see a list.  I have kids to wake up, feed, clean up after, dress, potty train, entertain, get to take a nap, teach, read to, and discipline.  That in and of its self is a lot.  And unless you have been there you can not know how demanding it is to be a mom.  Lets then add everything else to do in the week.  We have 2 bathrooms to clean, Master bedroom, kids room both organized and cleaned weekly, Dishes to do, vacuuming to be done.  Laundry when needed which is washing drying, folding and putting away.  Now lets add an outside job to the list.  I have duties I have for work. Things that need to be done for work hours taken out of my day that take away from everything else. Then lets add in any spiritual needs to be done. Personal study time, Family study time... this list can go on as well for there is always stuff to do.  So no when I say I am doing one thing that is not ALL I am going to do.  Yes I do have my lazy days. I don't know who does not, but even then when I say I am going to relax don't say "Is that all". Instead try saying "Sounds good" or just nothing at all.

The Peacegiver

I just finished reading a book called The Peacegiver by James L Ferrell.  I loved this book.  There are a couple of passages I found really insightful and want to share that with you all. 


First Section is about Jesus Christ's Atonement and our ability to forgive others.  In the book there is a grandfather talking to his grandson so many of the quotes are as the two talk.


"You have learned since you were young that the atonement was for the sinner,...and that certainly is true, but it is only half of the story, the second half is not nearly so well understood....The atonement is as much for the benefit of the sinned against-the victim of sin-as for the sinner....One of the effects of sin is to invite those who have been sinned against...to become sinful themselves, and that the atonement provides the escape from such provocation to sin."   The grandson was mad at his wife he thought he was justified in being mad at her for she had been harsh and cruel towards him and he felt justified in trying to get others to be mad at her along with him.  To often in my life I do the same.  It continues late in the book to say, "The Lord, by taking on the sins of our own upon his head, extends us the same mercy. 'Upon me let this iniquity be,' he pleads. 'Let me deal with it if there is any dealing to be done.  But you my dear son or dear daughter, let it go. Let me take it, as I already have done. Forgive.'... My son, when the Savior comes to you with the sins of others upon him, he offers you a view of others that only he knows. He begs you to see as he sees--ad One who knows every pain, insecurity, aspiration, and infirmity because he has taken them upon himself. He will show you others as he sees and loves them, and he will help you to see and love them that way as well, for he begs you not merely to ungird your sword but to ungird your heart.  If you do, the miracle of his atonement will flow freely,..."


This make me feel so at awe.  I knew the atonement was for us all but had not thought of it that way.


The next section covers the story of Jonah and him not wanting to teach the people of Nineveh.  And then him being compelled to teach them and save them from destruction. However he still thought they were to wicked and not worthy of redemption the lord asks him "should I  not spare Nineveh?"  We never find out what Jonah answers.  But I know there have been times in my life I have thought someone was to far gone to repent and no longer worthy of Christ's atonement so I believe the Lord would ask me "I have saved you are you saying I should not also save them?"  Thus if we answer No then we are not worthy of being saved either because we to have sinned against god. God can look upon sin with no degree of allowance. But in able to answer yes we need a change of heart  to accept that even those we find the most unworthy of mercy  from God can still obtain it.


"The understanding is available merely from pondering the Savior's atonement, for no amount of mistreatment and suffering was able to take away his love of the One who was without sin. By contrast, we who still struggle with sinfulness, struggle as well to cover our sins. And one way we do this, the Savior thought , is by finding sinfulness in others. The beams in out eyes get us looking for the motes in others. Our own failure to love another causes us to see the other as being unworthy of love. So  we end up sitting beneath our own canopies of sticks irritated, angry, hurt, blaming our lack of love on the Ninevites we are failing to love. The Savior, by contrast, with no sins of his own to clutch, cover and excuse, remained free to see all of mankind each of us...in our sinfulness and in the pain we caused him mercifully and gratefully."


Sometimes it is our own unwillingness to love others and understand love halts us in forgiving ourselves and others. But if we become like the innocence of small children in their pure love we will find how we can love more purely. "Your children answer Yes to the Lords question....They grant mercy....The secret of their love in not their naivete the fact that the are, as you said, mere innocents but rather their innocence from sin. Innocent as the are from sinfulness toward you there are no sin they need to cover and excuse, and therefor no sins of your can keep them from loving you. The question for you is what sins towards others keep you from loving them? How are you demanding justice and therefore denying mercy? In what ways are you sitting belligerently under the sticks of your own grudges? How are yo the author of your own despair? If you allow yourself to discover answers to those questions, you, with your children will answer 'Yes' to the Lord's question..."


The third pare of the book deals in realization. Realization that we must change ourselves and in changing ourselves then and only then will be be able to see others the way God and Jesus see them.  "Remember the problem of sin is only partially that we engage in sinful acts. The far deeper problem is that by choosing to  engage in sinful acts, our hearts become sinful. And when the do, Satan gains power over us to lead us captive at his will, to lead us into deeper and darker resentment, bitterness, anger, and sin. We become unclean, impure,corrupted unable to abide the presence of God, in whose presence only clean and pure can dwell. And we end up losing the very thing that is essential if ever we are to be cleansed and find out way back to him: the desire and ability to choose to follow the Lord. Our Hands are filthy from sinful acts, to be sure,...But our greater problem is that our hearts have become unclean as wall....Unless someone can overcome for us the captivity of out hearts and make us free from our bondage to sin we will be damned forever." It goes on that this is what the Savior has done for us with his atonement.


Just the thought that one so perfect took upon him all the pains and anguish of the world. And the devil laughed at him because he held the entire earth in his chains. But Weeps and gnashes bitterly having had those chains broken by the savior.  But the devil rejoices each time we choose not to repent or remain in sin.  To quote the book again its says " It is what latter-day prophets have referred to and indescribable anguish when Christ had to  meet and overcome all the horrors that Satan could inflict. And he suffers all this- And never for get this- For Us....It is ok even wise, to be afraid. You should fear sin with all your soul, for it is the freedom of your soul that is at stake. To those who fear as the ought...the prophets declare 'Be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be lead wasy by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects, and be led away captive by him.'  Arm yourself through prayer...You are vulnerable. We all are. Let your desires for the Lord be your shield."


I think if we can each remember and come to understand the atonement in its fulness we will beable to undertand and be free.  And the freedom from sin will allow us to be at peace.

Onto the New Stage of Existance

So my husbands ex-wife passed away last night of a fatal heart attack. I meet her and we became friendly acquaintances.  It always gives way to thought of what lies ahead for us after we pass on from out mortal existence.  She was not much older than me. Only 4 years older so it causes me to wonder if I could be in the same boat.  I know she had some other underlying health problems that contributed to her young release from life.  In some ways my believe and faith of post-mortal existence and the Plan of Our Heavenly Father, (the Plan of Salvation) gives me comfort to know that she goes on and can continue to live and grow. 

My heart does ache for her husband who she has been married to for just over a year if that.  And her children that she leaves behind.  I am sure that they will in time come to where the ache of the loss lessens and the memory of their mother remains sweet. 

I do not like thinking of my children being without a parent in their most impressionable times in their lives.  And call me selfish but I sure hope and pray that one of my challenges in life is not that of one to loose a child.  I know that we will all live again in the resurrection to follow the second coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know that we will all have the opportunity to grow and learn further until that time.  But the hardness and difficulty of loosing a loved one is hard.  It is a necessary step in life to grieve for those who go before us. 

We all grieve in different ways.  Some will cry others will become silent, some become angry while others will seem at peace.  Each missing the person some with knowledge of the Greatness that is yet to come.  Others left with a void wondering why the one they loved was taken from the earth. There is so much that we are not able to comprehend and are yet able to understand or have even been told.  But the truth is out there and we will all have to face that truth someday.  Lets hope for us all it is a day of great rejoicing and peace with that I leave my thoughts.  And now I go one with my day.  If not for good like I hope at least one day I am loving stronger and holding on to the small precious moments.

Forgetful Moments

I am having moments a lot lately where I will be in a middle of a task and completely forget what I was doing and why I was doing it.  Sometimes I wonder about what causes the mind to do that. 

Does it mean the task is not that important to me?  I don't know.  Maybe its a sign of not enough sleep. Or maybe a sign of having to much on my mind.  Maybe it is do to something medical.  It does not bother me to much I just wonder.

I seem to remember the important things in life and I am not forgetting time in my life so I am not concerned about Alzheimer or something like that.

I guess I will just have to write down what needs to be done and not sweat the small stuff.

I get Therapy From Monk

If you have seen the USA t.v.series Monk you know the main character has many quirks about him.  Monk's compulsive habits are numerous, and a number of phobias compound his situation, such as his fear of germs. Monk has 312 fears, some of which are milk, ladybugs, harmonicas, heights, imperfection, and risk. So those that know the show probably laughing at me.

Well as the title states I do get therapy from Monk.  Dr Adam Monk.  He is a great respectable therapist who has helped me out tremendously.  And I am no longer afraid to admit that I do see a therapist.  No none of this my parents messed me up so bad and my family does not get me kind of stuff.  I just go there to talk.  I talk he listens and he gives me ways to understand and deal with life a lot better than I have in the past.

The thing that has help me the most. Is the Myself and Others diagram he shared. It applies to many instances in life if not all.  I will try to describe it the best I can. Maybe it will help someone else along the way. 

There are two components in every one's life.  YOU and OTHERS. Everything that is not you is an other, be it weather, people, furniture... you get the idea.  You have control over you and only you.  You control how you act or react to every Other out there.  Every Other out there can only control how it will act or react to us.

Now there is another part to this.  There is influence.  We can never force someone to react or act a certain way but we can influence them.  As well as every Other can influence you.  For example it is a warm sunny day, because it is a warm sunny day we are happy.  We are influenced by the weather.  Now we can try to use our influence on weather and wish it would do one thing but we probably don't have much influence on weather. Another example.  Your husband comes home yelling.  His yelling has an influence on you. You become mad or you decide you use your influence of being happy give your husband a hug and kiss tell him you love him.  Now here is the tricky part.  He can either accept or reject you influence. Lets hope he accepts it and now your positive influence makes him happy.

This has helped me so much. If I remember to stop and think I remember I have little control.  I can only control me and not others. It is hard but I am feeling better about who I am. I just hope I can have more positive influence on Others instead of negative

Deep in Thought

I sat last night deep in thought.  Probably just layed in bed for an hour just thinking.  Some things good.  Some things not so good.  Something were just insain.  I find when I just sit and think my mind takes me on a journey. If I have something important to think about I think my mind takes it in 100 different directions and through 20 different senerios. 

I am pleased with my life.  It has its ups and downs, just like everyone's does.  The thing is there are parts of my life I hide from everyone and then there are some I may overshare.  It takes finding a good balance to feel good about myself. If I feel like I am hiding I feel bad for not being more personable.  If I feel like I am oversharing I feel like I am being a burden to all those around me. 

I think I have started to blog more because my therapist says I need somewhere to write.  Somewhere to express my opinion and feel like I am talking to someone.  Maybe noone is reading or following my blog and it does not matter to me one way or another because this is what I need to do.

What Life May Bring

I have made promises in life and some I have kept some I have regrettably not kept. I would like to think that the most important promises I have kept.  I have never cheated on my husband.  I am raising our kids in the gospel, teaching them the best I can to be good people. I have never touched a drop of alcohol,tobacco, or illegal drugs. 


This however does not make me better than anyone out there who has or does struggle with things I do not.  I have my things I do struggle with. To some what I think is minor they may think is huge.


See that is what makes us different.  We all have our triumphs and struggles in life. 


I have found that the promises I have made with God are the ones at top priority in my life.  With that we feel that we have guidance in our life that will help us be in the right place at the right time to help in our eternal progression. 


Come March 2012 we will be moving to Texas.  The city and town is still undecided to 100% but right now lays 90% on San Marcos and 10% on Corpus Christi. There Richard will open up a business and our family will live and grow.  We also feel like we have one more child to grace our family.  Right now the plans for that would be once we get to Texas but if we happen to get pregnant now it will be Gods will.  


I am so thankful for what I do have in my life and count us lucky to have what we do.  And look forward to what life may bring 

Perfection

    I love how perfect my children are.  Now that does not mean they don't make mistakes they are learning after all.  But honestly they are perfect.  They find joy and amusement in the littlest things.  They love so purely.  If someone wrongs them all it takes is a hug and all is forgiven.  It is no wonder God wants us to be like a little child.  And in our own way we are.  In this life we are learning and growing and trying to be like our father in heaven.  Some of us need a little more guidance and patience.  Some are just like an innocent child and will blindly and obediently follow God knowing he will not lead them astray. 

In someways I know I need further guidance and patience from God in others I know I am fine.  Though on my road to perfection I will stumble I will fall.  I will turn around and run the other way.  But in the end all I can hope for is that I will have made it far enough along the path and allow Jesus to make up to rest. 

Innocence

I love this picture it was his first time watching fireworks. He was so excited and had such joy on his face. It saddens me when I see this joy leave his face.  I love my children so much and they are so innocent.  To many times though I have been the cause of taking this away from them.  I let my own shortcomings sweep over me and I am left with a child wondering what they did wrong.  But then there are the times, which I hope out number the last.  Putting a smile on your child's face and seeing their eyes light up is so refreshing and meaningful.  I can think of nothing better in life than seeing someone you love filled with joy and happiness.  So imagine how it is for our Father in Heaven.  He is the perfect example of what and how to be.  He cries when we cry and rejoices when we rejoice.  I love that  thought.  I love my children and I love the innocence they have and bring. 

Our Beginnings

Ok so Richard and I meet November 2005 at a friends party they were throwing for their son.  He had just gotten out of a bad relationship, he was not looking to be nice to anyone of the female gender. Needless to say we did not hit it off.  I went up to Logan for school and Richard moved out to Tooele for work.  Right after Easter I got a call from my friend she said Richard wanted to ask me out.  My thought was WHY.  But figured at least I could get a free meal out of it all.  He called me that night and we talked for 3 hours.  Nice.  My thoughts about this guy was starting to change.  We set up a date for 3 weeks out to meet in Salt Lake City being middle meeting grounds.  We happened to talk everyday via messenger or phone.  I liked getting to know him. 

Well about 1 week before our date I went out with my roommates.  We had fun but one thing lead to another and I ended up with a car backing over my leg.  I was lucky and only dislocated my knee.  I called Richard to cancel, so I thought.  He had other plans.  Instead he came up to Logan and spent the weekend taking care of me.  Driving me around. Sitting playing games and watching movies together.  Well I was hooked from that point on.

On August 10th 2006 Richard took me out for a drive we went to a park got out to walk it started to rain.  So we got back in and drove up to Jordan River Temple.  There we went and sat by the fountain just admiring the view.  He at that time proposed.  It was so sweet.  Of course I said YES. 

We were married on December 16th 2006.  It was one of the best days of my life it was small and simple but those I loved where there.  March 17th 2007 we found out we were pregnant.  Joshua was born on November 11th 2007 such a blessing to out life. December 21st 2007, the three of us where sealed as an eternal family.  One of the most precious moments in my life is when the place Joshua on the alter with us and we were sealed as a family.  June 10th 2009 we were blessed again with the birth or our daughter Jorja.  Yes the spelling is different but we love it. 

We now live in an apartment in Taylorsville, UT.  Josh and Jorja grew everyday.  Life is good.

trying again

So our last blog got erased somehow.  If you find it out there somewhere let us know.  So we will try this again.  This is our first post.  Things are good. We are all getting better after being sick but are all doing good.  Hope to post more soon.  Welcome